We all feel alone sometimes. It's part of the human condition. I feel it strongly as a performer. Oddly, I feel more alone off stage than on. . . At least on average I do. Unless it's going badly, the feeling on stage is less about isolation, and more about bringing a room full of people together. When they're just staring, it does feel odd, though.
Going to and from a gig is the lonely time, unless with others, which is not the usual case. Coming off stage, leaving the gig, and fading into the night hrs weird. Once you were the centre of attention, now you're nothing.
I'm pondering this as I am walking the huge distance from the gig I just closed to my bed. Feelings of isolation are exacerbated by my imagined scenes of people I know partying hard in places to which I'm not invited. As I wrote before coming here, I feel like some doors are closed to me. In truth, it's probably in my head.
I suppose this in-built loneliness, and innate fear of death are what resonated so strongly with me earlier. I am not getting younger and as each day passes, so do I need to feel like my life will have a good finale. Not soon, though. I'm 32, plenty of living to do. For what it's worth, I'd like to end on a song.
Tonight, I left the flat in the dumps. Comedy cured me. I listened to my gig earlier. It needs work if I'm to do it again. But it took my mind off drunk homeless guys hoping for the mercy of death. As luck would have it, the coopere of my late night gig was the fellow who did first aid and helped out earlier. I needed to talk it through with someone else who had been there and we put the matter to rest.
When my turn came to perform, closing a tricky show, I threw myself into it and it went better than I expected. That's always going to make you feel good. What a weird day, though.
I think I learned something, though.