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Wednesday, January 13

But Somehow Still Down In The Dumps

I'm not sure why. I think it's more seasonal and down to temporary factors, rather than anything important, but I'm really not firing on all cylinders at the moment. I'm having melancholic moments of moodiness. Not only is this uncharacteristic, but it's excessively alliterating.

I read back three years to a blog entry I made around the time I had just bought my house - the one I'm now not living in and rather urgently trying to get let out. In that week, I'd just seen the end of my 2 year (well nearly) relationship with my girlfriend, just gained possession of a house that needed a lot of work, and I was somewhat reeling from the change in circumstance. Yet I actually managed to stay rather chipper. I'd go so far as to say that I was almost joyful and exuberant in my behaviour. Manic, even.

Perhaps that's a sign of a defense mechanism I have. When things are going really rather badly, I can turn on the drive and fix them. That's sort of true, though it got a bit more tough later in the year, and I think that my only moments of clarity were happening on stage, when I found the cheerful me and portrayed it in its pure form for all to see... then returned to licking whatever wounds I thought I had at the time. In general, though, under fire I try to find a cheery energetic side to use.

But now... well, things are actually quite good. I've moved in with my girlfriend. I've done the contented-indulgent-eating-too-much thing, and it hasn't actually destroyed my health and it might have done and I'm reasonably resolved to undo the weight gain (finally). On top of that, I'm rather enjoying having a household where I can cook meals and enjoy them with someone else. So, that's nice.

I'm also enjoying most of the experience of sharing our home with the kittens. There's something rather ridiculous about trying to live your life around the behaviours and needs of an animal. The animal doesn't really understand what it should and shouldn't do, or whether its behaviour is anti-social. So, the morning alarm call from the kittens is something you come to live with. In an attempt to be let out of the house at 6am yesterday, they came yomping into the bedroom and caught our attention by licking ears and elbows. Why it was ears and elbows, I couldn't tell you. They clearly knew it would work, though, as it did.

Aside from cat-litter handling and being dragged around when it's too early, the presence of some affectionate balls of fluff is a good thing.

There's no doubt that I lead a privileged existence, yet at the moment, something feels tougher than it should and I'm not the explosive bundle of enthusiastic "doing" that I like to be.

For now I'm going to blame the weather and the constant sense of delay at work for some of this. In every other respect, I should have a lot to look forward to.

Mind you, the house thing is a bit of a drain too; once it's rented out, I will be a lot less poor.


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