All the years of binge eating have finally paid off. I have a stomach complaint. Punishment to fit the crime. The thought of food makes me feel terrible and the size of my stomach means I can suffer more pain from it.

Jolly good.

The following activities are now painful:

• Eating
• Breathing (deeply)
• Laughing

Quite a number of my favourite activities listed there.

Still, you have to laugh... well, you can. I'd better not.

I have found a website dedicated to breathing. That has nearly made my day.

Doctor: Relax
Ashley: I would, but you're applying pressure to where it hurts the most. Yes, the pain. It's there. There, that's right. There. No. Relaxing would be tricky at this moment.