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Monday, November 6

A Weight On My Mind

I get weighed far too often. This provides me with a scattering of data about my size, very little of which is consistent. Sometimes I appear to have gained a stone, but a few hours later and I appear to be only a few pounds more than I thought I should be. Sometimes I get weighed with fewer clothes and guess what... I weigh even less. Sometimes I'm fully clothed with a coat and I weigh more. There's a definite pattern to it.

Either way you look at it, I'm more weighty than I want to be. Although I've made good progress this year, I've clearly got issues when it comes to eating. What I did, basically, was exchange one set of bad eating habits for a set of eating habits which are less bad. So I don't generally binge on certain sorts of foods as I used to, but I do eat replacements for them, and in quantities which are not helping. I have the capacity to be a terminal fatty - I've just swapped some of the munch-targets for things which required much greater volumes of eating to keep me as fat as I was. This is progress, but it's not a solution.

I need to be able to eat a reasonable quantity - as in, not-unreasonable, rather than plentiful. My calorific output is fairly low, so I should not be taking in even 2500 calories a day. It's difficult, though. I have a mouth and stomach that want attention. I also have a waistline which is capable of straining against my trousers and I would actually prefer to make these slightly smaller trousers as loose as the trousers that were larger and used to strain against me back in April when I finally got the will to do something to stop the worst of my self-destructive eating behaviour.

This is not easy for me. It never has been. I've had a weight problem for all of my life and although I find fat to be something worth mocking and I think of fat people (myself included) as a largely self-indulgent bunch (myself included), it doesn't make it any easier to take control.

Last night, waiting for the movie, I had such a momentary lapse of control. I say momentary, provided that we can accept a couple of hours as being a "moment". I had 20 minutes to kill before the movie and so I went to Starbucks and bought a 4 shot venti capuccino. I reasoned that you can't have a capuccino without a biscotti, so I got one of those, but I really wanted a muffin, so I had one of those too. Mmm sugary. I was stoked on caffeine and sugar, but I didn't want to deny myself (see how the logic is backwards) some popcorn, so I bought a medium sized one, despite the fact that 10p more would have bought me the largest size. I reasoned that I probably couldn't really eat a large one and that I could eat more than a small one, so I bought the size in the middle, regardless of costings. I think there was a total of 50p difference in price between the smallest and the largest.

Anyway, I munched through a shed load of popcorn. I wasn't surprised to find my state of mind and body affected by this. I was high on caffeine, sugar and the slightly-slower-burning carbohydrate of popcorn, and the fully belly caused by ingesting such a swellable treat. In fact, I felt headachey and sick - such condition precipitated further by sitting too close to the big screen at the cinema and having to strain my neck and eyes slightly to watch the movie.

I'd had a good lesson in the side-effects of overindulgence. Have I learned from this? Will I be able to resist the belly overfilling? Will I be able to put over indiscretions from the weekend behind me? There was pizza. There were sausages... it was a failure of the highest order in the food department.

I guess we'll find out. I've taken it slowly today. In honesty, having been up until 4am with a headache and aching belly, I'm probably too tired to lift food to my mouth today...

...who am I kidding!?

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