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Tuesday, December 16

My behaviour of late has been very self-indulgent. I don't know whether this is necessity or luxury. I don't even know whether this is is a recent development or whether I've suddenly just started noticing. Perhaps it's not a problem. Perhaps as animals we're supposed to be self-preserving and self-indulgent, but as humans with emotions and intellect, our perception of what is important to ourselves means that our actions can appear to be altruistic or selfless, while simultaneously remaining self-serving.

I know that there have been various things I've been doing recently that have been particularly and intensively self-indulgent. I'm not sure that I am in any way remorseful - I don't think anyone has been harmed, nor have I been breaking any laws or moral codes.

Life doesn't come with a manual. There's no prescribed way to go about living. This makes it a very bizarre and ambiguous situation if you're a stickler for accuracy and detail. Sometimes I want to grab the world roughly by the shoulders and say "WHAT? What is the answer!?" but that would be too easy. So, take the best guess and keep reviewing where you've reached so far. Hopefully you'll end up near enough.

I remember the phrase "Look after yourself" being said to me on various occasions. It sounds pleasant enough. Well-intended words of well-wishing. Sadly, I occasionally see the dark side of these words. I sometimes see the results of my attempts to look after myself, and I realise what a bizarre relationship I have with the carer that is me. If you've ever seen the hilarious BBC series Little Britain where there's a carer/disabled pair of characters, you'll see how I see myself when I look in my cupboard and find the things I've bought for myself. I can hear my own voice saying - "Here, here's some soup - you LIKE soup, don't you?" and me replying "Yeah!" and then me saying "We'll get you some vegetable soup. That's your favourite." "Yeah!". The result a stack of cans of soup - a handful of unique flavours, stacked up in profusion by a well meaning but patronising carer. Who is me...

Okay, so maybe I'm taking this "look at yourself in the 3rd person" thing a bit far. Sometimes, I get an outside glimpse of my own world and it's odd. However, my internal monologue and my perspectives are just that. I'm not starting to lose my grip. Honestly!

Well, maybe just a little...


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