It certainly looks like I might have been. At least, from the outside it could look that way. After all, I'm the guy who drove back from a successful pair of London shows in a dark mood. What was all that about?
In truth, I think I'm more concerned about the potential for a reality gap between my abilities and where I put myself. There's nothing worse than someone with the determination to succeed, but none of the ability... when they're unaware of the latter. I will not become a delusional performer. I want both my feet firmly on the ground (except when I'm dancing). Maybe the fact that I know that asking this question makes me unlikely to be delusional is itself a cover for a degree of delusion that I'm unaware of... or maybe this "be your own psychologist" game is never going to work.
I like to balance humility with excitement and ambition. Quite what that balance is is anyone's guess. Anyway, that's why I've not allowed myself to take the recent success to heart. At least a similar attitude might protect me from any possible failure. Equally, though, I have had some questions about my abilities on stage without the structure of The Musical! to protect me. It had been a while since I'd done stand up, and there is plenty of that to come in the Fringe and I have a couple of gigs before then too. I was concerned about my ability to find funny with an audience. Concerned that I'd not seen it recently and that it might be a bit rusty.
So, Chris and I went along to Edinburgh last night to a gig. I was MC - this can be an easy route to an audience's hearts and was certainly a great opportunity to plug our show to a room. I had to be funny and "in the zone" with an audience for an entire evening. I went in there and managed to avoid doing something I've been doing a lot recently - I managed to avoid trying too hard. The Edinburgh gig is one which I've done countless times (well, it's possible to count them, but I haven't the time) and felt really relaxed in. I went up there and did my thing and it was great fun.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I love comedy. I love performing and, if you are prepared to come along for the ride, it will be fun - there's some level of quality or other - I've no idea what it is, but what the hell! Entertainment is something I analyse when it's not happening, but when it's occurring, who needs to analyse it?
Have you seen The Musical!?