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Wednesday, August 29

The Day Passed By

I had a day in the office followed by dinner out. That's the summary of the day. To ameliorate (I like that word) the fact that I would be eating out in the evening, I watched what I was eating over the day - not too much, to be honest, so it probably didn't matter. I'll be eating out a couple more nights this week, which may have an effect on my weigh-in on Monday. I sort of care and I sort of don't. Perhaps I can eat sensibly while out. I didn't actually manage to eat all of the eating out food tonight, so perhaps my appetite is not the way I remember it.

It's strange. I don't think many things are quite the way I remember them being at the moment. My body doesn't quite behave the way I remember it behaving - shirts fit me that shouldn't etc. My house is just a house, rather than a home. Perhaps that's the necessary distance you need when you're renovating a place, or perhaps I've just come to realise that it was never going to be a home for me, or maybe I've moved on in my head without actually moving out in person. Who knows?

There have been a couple of Kaiser Chiefs songs that have resonated with me of late. There's "Ruby Ruby Ruby Ruby", which was the soundtrack to April's painting, and which later came to reflect a crush I had on a girl I met in that very month. The lyric "there is nothing at all except the space in between finding out what you're called and repeating your name" is very neat. Then, having enjoyed the Kaiser Chiefs original and then bought Mark Ronson's cover versions album, the song "Oh My God" has the line "Oh my god I can't believe it, I've never been this far away from home", which seems to reflect where I am right now.

In the last 8 months, all my constants have been removed. Not all, but a lot. The breakdown of my long-term relationship, the change in jobs, money, car (I just got a car from my company today - not my final car, but something to drive around in that's new), house, weight... where the hell is my comfort zone?

Bizarrely, the one sporadic thing in my life - gigging - is starting to look like the constant. That's just weird.

I suppose this is what happens when you're over a third of the way to one hundred and still haven't found your place in the world. Who knows, tomorrow I may discover it. If I do, I'll probably mention it in passing on here, within the blether about plastering, tiling, roads and what I've been eating.

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