From: "Juliya S" [with my email address]
Date: Tue 01/03/11 8:56 AM
Aloha, my gentleman!
All my life I am waiting for the moment when we eventually meet.
I want to share each and every sunset with u http://lovedsouls.com
when the sun sinks low and the darkness spills across the land
like a magical balloon.
You will hold my hand and your touch will be warm and tender.
The horizon is sure to be one of the most beautiful things on the earth,
but its beauty will pale compared to what we feel to each other.
I shall now reply:
From: Me with your address
To: You with my address
Aloha to you. And welcome to the luau of life.
You say that you've been waiting all your life for the chance to meet me. I'm amazed. How have you even heard of me you mental pseudo-Hawaiian nutjob?
Sharing sunsets is a hell of a commitment. It means staying up until sundown every night. Sometimes I might want an early night. Sometimes I might want to go to the cinema. I don't want you, half way through the film, dragging me outside to show me the sun going down. It would be cute at first, but it would get very irritating.
I'm not sure the darkness spills across anything. Arguably, light spills. Darkness is more the absence of light, and I'd never compare it to any sort of balloon, least of all a magical one.
You say that I would hold your hand with a warm and tender touch. Are you sure? I reckon that after you've cooed at the 7th sunset of the week in winter, I'd be feeling pretty icy. Get off my hand, you freak, I'd say with my body language, my frosty body shivering like a magical dog with a case of the squits.
In short "Ju" what you're offering sounds awful.
Please stop emailing yourself from my mailbox.