Hi Luke. I'm afraid that won't be possible.

Why are you asking to stay at mine? Where do you think I live? Given how little we know each other, don't you think your request is a bit of a big ask?

Are you asking lots of people? Or are you particularly interested in my home for some reason?

I don't understand why you've chosen me for the privilege of putting you up for 12 days. Perhaps there's a misunderstanding and you think I normally have relative strangers occupying space in my home. Perhaps this is a social experiment where you find out how people react to this sort of request. Or perhaps you lack the understanding of why this request is basically unreasonable. Either way, I'm going to have to politely decline the opportunity to accommodate you. It's not a question of whether I have space or a slot in my diary. Perhaps your uncle will be a better bet. Good luck.

To be honest, I don't understand where you're coming from. What prompted this request?

You misunderstand. I don't need to know why you want to get away. I am just curious as to why you thought to ask me of all people to put you up. I should be flattered I guess, but I am more bewildered.

And..? Is there something about that experience which made me the perfect host for you? This is not conventional human behaviour. I feel that either there's a misunderstanding or you're deliberately acting this way to provoke some sort of reaction. You are, after all a comedian. Are you using this as a source of material for an Edinburgh show? Is this a psychological experiment? Are you bored? Are you in love with me? Is Derby the place where it all went wrong for you?

I usually ask Spiky Mike for numbers. Do you think he would put you up for 12 days in May?

Then you should definitely go and live with him.

hotels.com?

Best not. I think we're done here.

That's brilliant. Where are you going to be staying? How do you know your host?

Good luck with it. I hope life picks up.

In London now.

Only the evening. We are two ships.

That pass in the night

That's very kind. I generally like to get home to the wife and baby.

And?

1. How close do you think we are. 2. It was a wry look at comedians' behaviour from the inside. I'd tar myself with the same brush.

I have to ask, though, Luke. What is going on between you and me? I'll preface it with this: you've suggested that you're facing a hard time at the moment, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. If times are tough, then fellow humans should treat each other with kindness and respect. Ok? But... a few weeks ago you turn up out of the blue asking for me to provide you with somewhere to stay. At the same time, you "like" a bunch of my facebook posts. You give me a bunch of circular logic about wanting me to look out for you because we once did a gig together, which makes little sense, and now you're on my case about some remark I made on a Chortle post. If you weren't a comedian, I'd consider this a sign that you were having real troubles with the world as a whole. Since you are a comedian, I can't help but feel like I'm the subject of a social experiment. In short, what is going on? If we've met more than 3 times I'd be surprised. Why all the attention?

I need more than that. Are you calling me on some behaviour of mine that you have a problem with? I'm happy to discuss it if you want to make it clear what's bothering you.

I find your attention to be bizarre. I'm not arguing. Far from it. I'm trying to get to the bottom of where all this began. Why did you choose to approach me at all?

My guess is that one of two things is happening. One is that you're suffering from a mental health issue and having a really hard time - if that's the case, then I hope you get the help you need. The other, and more likely, thing is that you've decided to play a silly game of "let's act really oddly towards someone to see how they behave". Now, there are two possible reasons you might choose to do this - "I'm writing a show", or "I'm being a wacky funster for its own sake", and there are two possible reasons you chose me - "Random" and "Something bugs me about him". Either way, it's kind of weird and irritating and totally uncalled for. I love the way you side-step any direct questions, by the way. For what it's worth, I hope you get any help you need, and I hope you've enjoyed this silly game. However, I also hope you stop this now. You can't kid a kidder and I'm too old for this shit. If you've got a genuine issue, please bring it up for reasonable discussion like a mature adult. Alternatively, please stop messaging me.

Good morning. I'm 40. How about some answers to my questions?

I think I'll make this whole thread public. That's probably the best way to flush out the root cause.

None of this makes sense. Why?

What is your motivation?

I have never encountered this behaviour before. Nobody acts like this. What inspired you to begin acting like this?

Interesting. So when we connected on facebook, you assumed that meant it was ok to ask to come and stay at my house for a few days?

Yes... but I'm friends with hundreds of people on Facebook, none of whom ever expect a "come and stay at mine" relationship.

I appreciate you offering me accommodation, unbidden, but it's not the sort of thing people generally do from a Facebook connection.

It's more the sort of thing people do from a "good mates in real life" connection, Are you making a comment about the value of Facebook friendship?
If so, why target me?

I sent an image...

Is there anyone else there I can speak to?

Are you sexually attracted to me?

Why not?

Are you currently suffering from any mental health issues??

Please answer this last one. Are you currently suffering from depression, anxiety etc?

Good. I'm glad you feel fine. Why do you want to see photos of me? What's in it for you?

Are you currently masturbating?

Have you ever been to a harvester before?

How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?

Is this the way to Amarillo?

Take your pick.

Are you devoting this type of attention to any of your other facebook friends?

I think I'm definitely going to take everything we've said to each other in this thread and post it online for everyone to see. Perhaps other people can then comment on what the hell's going on. It's a total mystery to me.

Is that a challenge?

Good. I think I will. Are you doing this to anyone else?