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Wednesday, May 28

As Promised - The Online Chat I Can't Explain

I considered posting a long commentary to explain this, but I've decided to provide the content of this online chat, that was started by fellow comedian Luke McQueen, unedited and unfettered. Make up your own mind on what's going on here. I'm mystified. It was a fascinating experience, and one which was intriguing enough to keep me rooting around for answers, stupid enough to bring out my silly side, and a little bit too close to stalking, which brought out my paternal protective instincts for my home and family.

28th April

Hi Ashley, do you mind if you stay at your place for 12 days. From the 8th May until the 20th? We gigged together once in Derby
If I can stay at your place. Not you at your place
Haha
Let me know mate
Hi Luke. I'm afraid that won't be possible.
Okay mate. Is that because of the dates because I could probably stay in June If it's easier?

29th April

Why are you asking to stay at mine? Where do you think I live? Given how little we know each other, don't you think your request is a bit of a big ask?
No I completely I understand. I wouldn't ask if I didn't think you had the space. Im just looking to get away for a few days that's all.
Are you asking lots of people? Or are you particularly interested in my home for some reason?
No I just asked you and my Uncle. If you let me know which dates are easiest then im sure we can sort something out
I don't understand why you've chosen me for the privilege of putting you up for 12 days. Perhaps there's a misunderstanding and you think I normally have relative strangers occupying space in my home. Perhaps this is a social experiment where you find out how people react to this sort of request. Or perhaps you lack the understanding of why this request is basically unreasonable. Either way, I'm going to have to politely decline the opportunity to accommodate you. It's not a question of whether I have space or a slot in my diary. Perhaps your uncle will be a better bet. Good luck.
No worries. Honestly I completely understand where you're coming from.
To be honest, I don't understand where you're coming from. What prompted this request?
I don't we know eachother well enough for me to tell you exactly why I needed to stay. It's just a shame, that's all

I don’t think...
You misunderstand. I don't need to know why you want to get away. I am just curious as to why you thought to ask me of all people to put you up. I should be flattered I guess, but I am more bewildered.
Because we gigged together in Derby
And..? Is there something about that experience which made me the perfect host for you? This is not conventional human behaviour. I feel that either there's a misunderstanding or you're deliberately acting this way to provoke some sort of reaction. You are, after all a comedian. Are you using this as a source of material for an Edinburgh show? Is this a psychological experiment? Are you bored? Are you in love with me? Is Derby the place where it all went wrong for you?
Do you have Spikey Mikes phone number?
I usually ask Spiky Mike for numbers. Do you think he would put you up for 12 days in May?
Im not sure as I don't know him that well
Then you should definitely go and live with him.
I don’t want to live with him. Just looking for a favour really. Need to get away.
hotels.com?
Im going to Turkey for a week now. Shall I send you a message when I get back?
Best not. I think we're done here.

7th May

I managed to sort somewhere to stay from Sunday

8th May

That's brilliant. Where are you going to be staying? How do you know your host?

9th May

In Greenwich. My friends mate is a fitness instructor and he is going to put me on a course and a diet so that's positive. Have to sleep on the couch
Good luck with it. I hope life picks up.
Thanks mate. When are you in London next?
In London now.
Ah that's so annoying. How long for? I wouldn't be able to meet until Monday really
Only the evening. We are two ships.
What do you mean?
That pass in the night

10th May

Give me a bit of notice next time and I will come meet you. You can crash at mine if you need to
That's very kind. I generally like to get home to the wife and baby.

26th May

I saw your comment on the article about the open mic comedians trying to do 40 gigs in a week
And?
It seemed a bit mean. A bit of a cheap shot. They're only new open mic comedians. I was just curious to hear if you have been equally as catty to professional comedians or comedy promoters? I would hate to discover that you're a bully after becoming so close to you in the last month or so
1. How close do you think we are. 2. It was a wry look at comedians' behaviour from the inside. I'd tar myself with the same brush.
Oh sorry Ashley I mis understood. Im so pleased it was a misunderstanding and you weren't being mean
I have to ask, though, Luke. What is going on between you and me? I'll preface it with this: you've suggested that you're facing a hard time at the moment, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. If times are tough, then fellow humans should treat each other with kindness and respect. Ok? But... a few weeks ago you turn up out of the blue asking for me to provide you with somewhere to stay. At the same time, you "like" a bunch of my facebook posts. You give me a bunch of circular logic about wanting me to look out for you because we once did a gig together, which makes little sense, and now you're on my case about some remark I made on a Chortle post. If you weren't a comedian, I'd consider this a sign that you were having real troubles with the world as a whole. Since you are a comedian, I can't help but feel like I'm the subject of a social experiment. In short, what is going on? If we've met more than 3 times I'd be surprised. Why all the attention?
People in glass houses Ashley
I need more than that. Are you calling me on some behaviour of mine that you have a problem with? I'm happy to discuss it if you want to make it clear what's bothering you.
I have no problem with you Ashley. That's just leave it at that. There's no point arguing
I find your attention to be bizarre. I'm not arguing. Far from it. I'm trying to get to the bottom of where all this began. Why did you choose to approach me at all?
Im going to sleep. Let's speak in the morning
My guess is that one of two things is happening. One is that you're suffering from a mental health issue and having a really hard time - if that's the case, then I hope you get the help you need. The other, and more likely, thing is that you've decided to play a silly game of "let's act really oddly towards someone to see how they behave". Now, there are two possible reasons you might choose to do this - "I'm writing a show", or "I'm being a wacky funster for its own sake", and there are two possible reasons you chose me - "Random" and "Something bugs me about him". Either way, it's kind of weird and irritating and totally uncalled for. I love the way you side-step any direct questions, by the way. For what it's worth, I hope you get any help you need, and I hope you've enjoyed this silly game. However, I also hope you stop this now. You can't kid a kidder and I'm too old for this shit. If you've got a genuine issue, please bring it up for reasonable discussion like a mature adult. Alternatively, please stop messaging me.

27th May

How old are you exactly?

Morning
Good morning. I'm 40. How about some answers to my questions?

I think I'll make this whole thread public. That's probably the best way to flush out the root cause.
Maybe you shouldn't be so suspicious of people and just trust people a little better

I think you're a nice guy. Let's just leave it at that
None of this makes sense. Why?
Huh?
What is your motivation?
I don’t know why you keep saying things don't make sense
I have never encountered this behaviour before. Nobody acts like this. What inspired you to begin acting like this?
Nobody asks to be friends with someone and then asks that friend for a few favours. I said if you come to London and you need to stay somewhere then you can stay at mine. It's no big deal
I wouldn't see that as strange behaviour. I don't know why you're being this way towards me
Interesting. So when we connected on facebook, you assumed that meant it was ok to ask to come and stay at my house for a few days?
We have been friends on Facebook for years Ashley
Yes... but I'm friends with hundreds of people on Facebook, none of whom ever expect a "come and stay at mine" relationship.
I appreciate you offering me accommodation, unbidden, but it's not the sort of thing people generally do from a Facebook connection.

It's more the sort of thing people do from a "good mates in real life" connection, Are you making a comment about the value of Facebook friendship?
If so, why target me?
Send me a picture back
Did you get my pic?
Because im bored of all the pictures you have on your Facebook

I want new ones
Is there anyone else there I can speak to?
No
Are you sexually attracted to me?
No
Why not?
Sorry

Im not looking for that kind of relationship right now
Are you currently suffering from any mental health issues??
Why do you ask so many questions?
Please answer this last one. Are you currently suffering from depression, anxiety etc?
I don't believe you're a Doctor
Im fine
I feel fine
Good. I'm glad you feel fine. Why do you want to see photos of me? What's in it for you?
Relax Ashley. Im not desperate to see photos. I just thought it would be nice.
Are you currently masturbating?
Have you ever been to a harvester before?
How many roads must a man walk down before they call him a man?
Is this the way to Amarillo?
Take your pick.
Yes
Are you devoting this type of attention to any of your other facebook friends?

I think I'm definitely going to take everything we've said to each other in this thread and post it online for everyone to see. Perhaps other people can then comment on what the hell's going on. It's a total mystery to me.
I very much doubt you would do that
Is that a challenge?
No
Good. I think I will. Are you doing this to anyone else?

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