Given the brave new world we live in where a direct complaint to the complaints department has a lower priority than a tweet or blog post, here's is a complaint about HSBC - a bank that appears to consider modern banking a low priority.

First, let me explain what I want. I'd like to be able to go to a branch and do one of two things in the following order of priority.

- Go to a machine, put in my card, insert some cash or cheques for deposit and then walk away
- Go to a cashier, give them my card, give them some cash or cheque and then walk away

The reason I want to do these things is that I'm used to being able to do them at other banks - it doesn't seem that difficult a thing to expect as a service and doesn't involve any paper other than the money or cheques. I'd prefer to use a machine as I perceive it to be quicker and easier, I'd be happy if the point of interface was a human. In the case of weekends, where there's none or minimal counter service, I'd require it of a machine.

You'd think in this day and age it would be easy.

HSBC have turned a number of their branches into machine-first operations with cashiers you can see only if you really try. In some branches they've hidden the cashiers and have on-the-floor operatives to prevent you from seeing the cashiers until you've used the machines.

HSBC machines frequently end up rejecting your deposit because something's a bit folded or crinkled or otherwise not pristine, so first you can't see a cashier and then you have to. But that's not the half of it.

How do you use the magic HSBC deposit machine. Well... it's not a machine. It's two machines. That's right you can't deposit cheques and cash in the same machine - you need different ones. Shall I repeat that? No, because we all abhor doing things twice, except HSBC who require me to visit two machines to complete one transaction if it's a mixture of cash and cheque.

Okay, so you go to two machines, put in your card and then your cash or cheque? No. That would be easy. In this twisted view of the world, you first have to fill in your paying in slip. Your paying in WHAT!? I hear you cry. Yes, a fucking paying in slip. In 2015. My god, it's like being in the dark ages. You fill in a paying in slip so that when their prissy little machine fucks it all up, they can find your lost money and work out what to do with it? But surely their machine can read your card, ask you for the amount you're depositing or even work it out from the inserted currency (cos even fucking vending machines can do that!) and sort itself out? No, it can't.

There's a Lloyd's bank across the road from my local HSBC. It's actually easier for me to go there, pay money into my old account and then use my online banking to transfer it to my HSBC account. This is even easier because the online banking provided by Lloyds isn't a total pile of shit, unlike the ridiculously security obsessed online banking provided by HSBC which has the balance of secure and usable tipped the wrong way.

HSBC - if you expect banking to be shit, then you won't be disappointed. The silly thing is this - while the bank is irritating their grass roots customers with these over-the-top security measures for the pennies, the organisation as a whole is, apparently, pissing away regulatory concerns by the bucket load.

By the way - this subject makes me so angry I'm actually seeing red. It makes no sense. If you or anyone you know can put a stop to this total asshattery, then please do. HSBC should not be operating a file-drawer-like system involving little pieces of paper and 85 different sub transactions. They shouldn't need a little micro-calculator key thingy so I can access my account. It's really beyond a joke. Please stop this nonsense before I scream or annoy my wife by banging on to her about it every time we've money to pay in!