Incredible Fun!

I received a mail

Dear business owner of Ashleyfrieze.co.uk,

I would wish to take a couple of minutes from your schedule and enkindle your attention towards Internet marketing for Ashleyfrieze.co.uk.

We are proud to announce that we have just opened a new office for Search Engine Optimization (SEO,SMO,SEM). We are located at INDIA.

In relation to your profession as a business owner we would like to offer our services when you need one. Ever since our business was established we always had an image of being a dependable and reliable firm. It is our commitment that you can depend on us for our services.

-Low on-line presence for several competitive keyword phrases
-Unorganized social media accounts
-Not compatible with all mobile devices
-Many unhealthy backlinks to your web site

Our services have lots of advantages to our clients with which I can explain to you if you find time to reply us. We would really appreciate if you will try our services and I assure you that we offer good and quality service. Please reply us at your most convenient time.

If my proposal sound's attention-grabbing for your business goal, be happy to email us, or can provide me with your phone number and the best time to call you.

Regards,
Rahul
Internet Marketer
Skype- digitalseo2
----------------------------------------------------------
PS I: I am not spamming. I have studied your website and believe I can help with your business promotion. If you still want us to not contact you, you can ignore this email or ask to remove and I will not contact again.

PS II: I found your website exploitation Google search and when having a glance over your web site i like to recommend you to implement future technologies like HTML5 and Responsive style to create your site additional accessible in movable, tablets, desktop etc.
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I thought I'd have some fun with him. This is obviously spam and if he'd looked at my website for real, he'd know I wouldn't be interested.

What is your name?

This got a response. I would have given up then.

Hello sir,
This is Rahul, from welltechseocom, search engine optimization company INDIA.

Can we have a little time to have a discussion about your website promotion?

We do all our work organic basis and we do 100% manual submission so that our client gets a permanent result.

See, the basic work we do is we promote websites in major search engines like Google, Yahoo and Bing, and you know after Google the next famous and popular website in this global world is Facebook. we also promote in major social networking sites like Facebook, Twitter , LinkedIn, Flickr, Myspace etc.

Regards,
Rahul

Nice offer to put me on MySpace there. I thought I'd play some more.

What is your star sign?

He answered by playing hardball.

Hello,

Are you interested on our SEO service or not?

Regards,
Rahul

That IS the question. But he needs this more than I do.

I will only answer that if you tell me your star sign. Or your date of birth.

So he does as he's told. Like a performing monkey.

Hello,

My star sign is Leo and 24/08/1989.

Regards,
Rahul

Ooooh, not good enough monkey man.

Ah. That's going to be a problem. I can't work with Leo's. Is anyone else there of a different sign? Water sign preferably.

I don't know if he's now playing along, or is exasperated.

Hello,
Thank you. I am not working for you. I am a sales guy. I have a technical guy which name was started the letter S.

Regards,
Rahul

Notice the slightly assertive offering of the first initial of the other person. He's taking the piss back... but if you're taking the piss, why are you still doing as I ask?

I need his star sign. Can you let me have it asap along with your pricing for 5 years of organic SEO. I especially need to know how much more impact to expect on my site's specific content.

Clue - read my site and you'll see I'm tugging your chain... are you going to do as I ask?

Hello,

Aquarius.

Please let me know that how many keywords you want to optimized?

Regards,
Rahul

He's getting tight-lipped, so time to increase the pressure... He still isn't acting like he's looked me up - I'm on the first page of google.

hi Rahul,

Aquarius? that's brilliant. My horoscope today said that someone might be telling me what I want to hear... are you being truthful with me? Can you prove your engineer really is aquarius?

How many keywords is normal for optimising? Which ones do you recommend?

Ashley

I love the idea that keywords are something someone might offer you, like a random set of words to own. I'll be pursuing this point. I'm also portraying my horoscope-obsession to make me seem eccentric.

Hello,
Thank you for reply.

I don't know much knowledge about this horoscope. I just give you details with name and date of birth you check it, (Santosh - 26/05/1988)

I want to give a suggestion that you start with 5 keywords. It's better for your website. If you want, then add more keywords in future.

Please let me know your budget per month for SEO?

Regards,
Rahul

He's doing as he's told. Good boy! Time to play more dumb

Great great great. These five keywords. How much do they cost each and do I get to choose them?

Trying to make him feel he's got the upper hand. He's definitely doing more of the work in this email conversation.

Hello,

Yes, you can choose these keywords and send me.

To know more about our cost please visit us @ http://www.welltechseo.com/seo-pricing/

Awaiting for your positive reply.
Regards,
Rahul

He wants me to pay $400 for him to promote me. I didn't look this up back then, because my site IS the biggest hit for me, and it is about me, and... well you get the point.

How will I know if my keywords are available. I suppose I really need Ashley Frieze to be the top hit on Google. Can you make that happen? How hard would it be?

Big clue now. I've told him that I just want to be the top hit for me. You'd think he'd google me. I also act dumb as though I don't understand keywords and searching. Again, he's doing the work. Has he worked me out? If he had googled me, he'd see that of the two demographics of people who might waste an SEO person's time - comedian and IT geek, I'm in the middle of that Venn diagram!

Hello,
Yes, you know it any time. If your keyword is once came to ranking than when you search a keyword in Google search box than it shows the result page. I can make it. If your keywords, competitor is high, then it takes some time to get ranking. To get ranking need to more back links to your website and manpower for this, but it is possible.

Regards,
Rahul

Ok... more direct... try to get him to google me...

How far is my site from getting top ranking for Ashley Frieze?

I am, after all, the top hit for me...

Hello,
First of all we need to fix all the onsite errors of your website then make it Google friendly. I visited your website and looks like very old design.

If your keywords are very high competitor than it takes minimum 4 to 6 months to get ranking.

Regards,
Rahul

He hasn't visited my site. He wouldn't be wasting his time if he had.

Have you tried Googling for Ashley Frieze? What hits does my site get? How much would you charge to improve them?

That's me saying "Google me you dick". Either he's not bothered, or he did, but has no awareness of life!

This keyword Ashley Frieze shows on Google because this keyword is related to your website name. If your search, another keywords than Its not coming the ranking.

I will send you the link about our pricing and plan. Please check this link - http://www.welltechseo.com/seo-pricing/

Regards,
Rahul

If that's the case, then paying for SEO is pointless. In addition, he's probably wrong. Here's me again telling him to blow the game...

Search my name on Google and tell me if you want to continue this conversation.

You also search anyone's name on Google it shows on top of the result page. Name and keywords there is so much different in these two words.

So, If you really interested in our service, then let me know your decision?

Regards,
Rahul

Boy is he not taking a hint!? I got bored of being sold at in broken English by someone who doesn't know what he's talking about.

First rule of business: know your customer. From Google's front page, you should realise why I have been deliberately wasting your time. Any comments?

First rule of getting spam - if you can, deliberately waste their time for sport. In fairness, this guy stood his ground.

Thank you for reply.

Yes, I know what you want to say. When you ask me the price for 5 years that time I understood you.

Have a good day.

Regards,
Rahul

Bye then.

Good luck with your spamming.

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