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Friday, July 23

Make Something Happen

There's a difference between the thing I do do and the things I want to do. If I had my way, I'd be a writer/performer of spoken word and music. There's a limit to what I, and anyone else for that matter, can achieve. As a result, I choose to put that aspect of my life into a second-life - a spare (and sometimes not so spare) time pursuit which both drives me down and fuels me up. I sometimes experience dissonance - a general feeling of disquiet that I'm in the wrong life. It usually happens in the day job, rather than a feeling, while on stage or making music that I should really be programming a computer.

The feeling comes as a sense of loss, a feeling of ennui, a sense that nothing good is happening and I just want something to stop the disappointment. I feel lethargic, unable to do even the simplest of tasks, inert... basically, it all feels crap. If I get going on something, then I can proceed, though sometimes with a short attention span. Then sometimes I can just absorb myself in what's happening and life seems fine.

To anyone reading who thinks they are about to successfully diagnose me with depression, don't bother. I'm a fully functioning human being at the moment - this isn't debilitating, just an emotional journey. To anyone going - "Yeah, but you comedians have a manic-depressive thing going on" - I would also recommend not jumping to conclusions. I think the very nature of being creative has a boom/bust sort of vibe. For all the up-time, you need the downs. My problem, I think, is that of context switching. I can only be committed to one thing at once. Everything else seems like a distraction. Sort of... maybe I don't know.

Today has been a really sludgy day. That said, I've achieved many of my actual objectives and the future plans I need to make have come together fine. Some loose ends have been tidying themselves up (with a little guidance) recently, so I should be happy. I think I need to make a concerted effort to put more of my ducks in a row in the next 24 hours. I think that would make me happier.

I got into various discussions over lunch about recent media events. I also managed to get my open letter to Keith Chegwin published, which is nice. I'm more and more motivated to stand up for what is either morally or logically right. I keep getting the urge to contact organisations and individuals whose behaviour I disagree with, so I can put them straight. Is this part of approaching 40 (still over 3 and a big bit years before that)? Or is this about taking a bit of responsibility in the world? I don't know. The jury is out.

Still, personal life things have been developing in a good way. I now know the constraints within which we'll be planning where to live within the next couple of years... or at least we've removed a lot of the major vaguenesses. This is a good thing. Progress will start after Edinburgh.

Perhaps I'm now having pre-Edinburgh blues. The feeling is quite similar to post Edinburgh blues except with less exhaustion and toxicity. I guess life is on hold until the shows start... which is, of course, ridiculous.

Despite having had a fairly light week, I'm still quite tired. I think that I'm slowing down through lack of gigs... there's one tonight... woohoo!!!!


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