I have had more sleep this week than last, and I feel a lot more tired. Clearly my body is in a state of flux. It doesn't know whether it wants sleep and plenty of fruit, or denial of sleep and plenty of junk food. I've no idea myself. It's hard to think straight at the moment. Something tells me that I'll not have time to myself to work this out for a while. I've not really had a break after the Fringe - perhaps that might have been wise. By the look of the next few days, I'll be ready for some sort of break by Monday. Luckily, next week is looking a lot less busy, which is nice. Knowing me, though, I'll probably fill some of the empty days by performing or watching gigs.
Tonight I'm returning to the scene of the crime, as it were, and MCing a gig in Edinburgh. It's one of my favourite comedy nights, but totally dependent on the presence/absence of an audience. With the students not back already and a city somewhat unimpressed by its recent experience with over-exuberant performers, perhaps it will be a sparse night. Ah well, what's a 240 mile round trip when there's a gig involved!?
It's strange to compare one's own expectations and hopes with what other people expect of you. To some extent, I'm quite a reactive person and perhaps on stage, I work best with an audience that expects me to be funny, than with one that's unsure or specifically doesn't. I think I sometimes get a glimpse of what people expect of me and this can affect my confidence if their expectations are lower than mine. Or maybe I condition myself to meet other people's view of me. This is, of course, a bad way to be. Over-confidence is a problem, but so is the fear of aiming high.
I didn't come back from the Fringe with some heady notion that I'm now a star. I know I'm a lot more accomplished as a performer, and perhaps a little more wise of the world, but I'm still the same person I was 6 weeks ago before the insanity of the Fringe began. Having said that, I have grown accustomed to being treated in a certain way, and it does take some adjusting to the fact that, once I'm off the stage I created for myself, I'm just a regular guy. Hopefully, my self-effacing attitude will prevail and I'll not piss anyone off.
If I ever write an autobiography (though who would read it, I don't know) I think I'll use the title - Living with mediocrity.